a little nostalgia

lanscapeI’m on my flight on the way from Calgary to Toronto, and it’s weird, because four years ago, if I were on this similar plane ride, I’d be visiting Toronto instead of coming home to it.

When you visit a place you used to live, there’s a sense of familiarity, nostalgia, and yet a distinct feeling that you don’t belong there anymore. I definitely don’t belong in Calgary anymore, that was very clear, but I fit in, which is something to be desired when travelling.

I was able to connect easily with old friends, creating and maintaining new possibilities in our friendships and business relationships, and meeting new people was just as simple. Almost as if the provinces between us that will crowd the ability to foster an in-person friendship didn’t matter. It was a reminder that although space may keep people physically apart, it doesn’t mean we can’t maintain some sort of relationship.  It kind of makes it more exciting, in a way. I mean, that’s the way I look at it.

Time will always move us on. I was reminded about that when I decided to make an impromptu visit to my ex-boyfriend at his place of work. We had a conversation outside, in the sun, for an hour before deciding to go for a coffee, driven in a car that I taught him how to drive (standard). And as we talked, about nothing special, I was placed in front of a person I blamed for so much of my anguish for so much of my twenties. Instead of continuing that blame, I was able to sit there and chat. Not so much reminisce or update, but just confront actually being with this person.

There were no feelings, not even attraction, and it was odd, because I thought (and was worried) about there being something there, even if just fleeting.

I sat there and chose to forgive, and just listen, and realize I was no peach in the relationship with him either and taking responsibility for my part allowed for this wave of relief to just calmly wash over me.

He was, in fact, this part of my past, a huge part of it that encompassed my entire living situation in Calgary.  I found myself looking at him across the table at Tim Horton’s with a sense of familiarity, nostalgia and a distinct feeling that I did not belong there anymore.

My heart is in Toronto, and therefore that is where home is – isn’t that the saying? I arrived in Calgary a week ago, tearing up as I saw the improved skyline from the window on the plane, wishing that maybe I still lived there, for the sense of excitement of the life I used to have. By the time I left, it was apparent that the life I lead now is way more interesting, because I’m not the same 23 year old that moved there in the first place.  And that’s pretty cool.

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