Somehow it’s like I’ve been waiting until I turn thirty or something to recognize the changes that are going on in my life at the moment, but it’s undeniable now: change is not happening “in three months” (yes, I turn 30 in three short months) it’s happening right now. And the thing is, it’s always happening right now.
Tomorrow marks 14 years since I laid eyes on Anna Salata, my dear friend whom I’ve spoken about many times over the years, who passed on at sixteen, in 2000. Tomorrow, she would have been thirty. If she were here, maybe we would be celebrating with a weekend away, or going out with a bang this evening – at least a dinner. Instead, once again, all I get is the memory of her birthday, the last day I would ever see her, and melody of “American Pie” by Madonna in my head – after the personalized rendition the nurses, volunteers, other patients and I sang her when she woke that morning.
Tomorrow also marks the day that I move, once again, to another home in the Annex. The difference is that tomorrow I’m moving with somebody. I’m starting a life with someone and developing a future together and the happy fear that induces is something I really can’t explain too well. Ten years ago I left for university and never lived at home again, except for six months after graduation, and then six months after I moved back from Calgary. Most of that time out of my parents’ home, I’ve lived alone and tomorrow I’m giving that up – willingly, of course.
On Wednesday, I start a new position with another company, and leaving a toxic work environment as I do. It’s a change I definitely welcome, but one that still comes with a bitter tenderness in my heart after having poured a lot of time and effort into a position that has been constantly devalued despite my efforts, it still pains me to go. I value the skills I’ve learned, and the lessons I’ve come to expect: sometimes, you just can’t give everything you’ve got with no return.
It’s just all happening. And it feels like it’s happening at once (because it is) in the span of 48 hours. Here’s to never growing up, as my girl Avril always says 😉