Sometimes I find it hard to let things go.
Now, I know those of you who know me are just shocked – SHOCKED – right? Emilia Farrace – holding on to the past? Unheard of.
But it was brought to my attention this long Canada day weekend that I may be viewed as a person who doesn’t quite deal with her feelings – that perhaps I allow them to phase overtop as I pummel through other lovely things in my life instead of dealing with those feelings.
See, I guess I kind of view it as a weakness – or pointless. I know I will get through whatever the hardship, experience or sadness that’s going on so what’s the point in sitting there and experiencing the pain part? Let’s skip it and move on!
The problem is, or so I’m finding, is that I don’t think you can skip the part where you have to feel the hurt. And it’s still true – you will get to the point that you can move on and categorize the bad experience as a distant memory – but you can’t get there unless you feel the pain that made it that experience to begin with. That’s the hardest part. Or at least it is for a person who fills her schedule with more extracurricular activities than she knows what to do with.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling low (or making myself feel low so I can experience this sadness properly), I read this fabulous, lovely, going away present my co-workers made for me when I was leaving my position at Where Calgary magazine when I was twenty-four. It was a listing of “30 things we love … about Emilia” and number 23 always gets me: How she’s always trying to improve herself or learn something new, and how she usually convinces other people that they should too.
Today, I’m learning how to be okay with feeling sad. Today, I’m learning how to not be embarrassed about it.
Today, I’m accepting that even though I was the one who did the breaking off, it still hurts that my ex-boyfriend has moved on, and in, with someone else so quickly. Today, I’m accepting that even though I put my heart on the line with someone who felt the same (or told me so) it didn’t work out the way I thought it would – and that’s okay. It really has to be because there’s really no other option.
And I’m just dealing with the fact that I need to be with it before I can move on from it. The faster that happens, the faster that latter happens.